I’ve been absent from the blogging world for a bit due to an overpowering superstition.

In the past four weeks of pregnancy I have been experiencing bleeding and prolonged periods of spotting. The bleeding turns up out of nowhere and is followed by spotting that hangs around and then suddenly disappears for days at a time. Just when I am lulling myself back into feeling safe and confident about my pregnancy, it returns, a reminder that I must not be complacent about the growing being inside me.

So I swing from calm acceptance to periods of catatonic anxiety. I considered blogging about it all on a daily basis but, as things changed so quickly I held back – to me, there’s something haunting about a written record of “things are fine now” and the possibility of reading back those words when things might have taken a very bad turn. I’d feel stupid, complacent and capricious for feeling better about something I had no control over, something that could take me off in a painful direction.

I’ve had two extra scans since my 12 week turning point. They say it all seems fine, that there no explanation for the bleeding. That doesn’t stop me from thinking they’ve missed something.

I was recently due to travel to America for two weeks and I bled the night before I left. It wasn’t heavy but it was enough to keep me up worrying all night about whether I should go. It was all I could do to allow my rational side to pull rank – to say that I should not stop my life, that I could take things easy, that I had health insurance and that even if DH wasn’t going to be with me for most of it, I would deal. As it turned out, I spotted, but I was fine. I didn’t need to cash in my medical insurance. I returned to the UK unharmed and probably stronger for having to deal with the anxious periods alone. See, I can write about that, because that journey is finished.

As for the journey we’re still on, it’s mixed up – times of happiness, gratitude and anxiety but I think increasingly this is how it was meant to be. The anxiety is almost never about the lifestyle change in front of me – I feel like I had a lifetime to think about that before I got pregnant. The anxiety, of course, is about losing the life we spent so long waiting for. DH said that as the child was born, got sick, then better, then grew up and went out drinking and got back later than we’d hoped, that we’d be living with these periods of anxiety and calm our whole life. Pregnancy is a trial run for that and it’s something we must get used to it. He is, of course, right. But he is stronger than me.