“Just you wait, when it happens to you, you won’t have time to write / see your husband let alone maintain a happy marriage / eat / finish a sentence…” – we all recognise this as the refrain of new mothers round the globe. Whether you are pregnant or not, new mothers are keen as hell to communicate to the world (usually accompanied by an Olympic eyeball roll) that they don’t have time to do, literally, ANYTHING. True as that may be, when I wasn’t pregnant, their complaining and misguided assumptions pissed me off.

Now I am pregnant, their complaining and misguided assumptions piss me off.

I occasionally see a shrink in North London who has been of medium to low help in the past year, mostly because she uses her training as an actress to re-enact what she perceives to be my more dramatic moments e.g. she’ll flounce to the other side of the room, all the while pretending to me, saying (albeit in different, shrink-wrapped words) – “Oh no, my diamond shoes are too tight”. I find it alarming at best, offensive at worst. Anyway, she, being a mother of two toddlers, actually raised her voice and threw her head back in mock disgust when I suggested I might try and do some writing on my theoretical maternity leave if, I qualified, it ever comes off, fingers crossed and avoid walking under ladders etc. “What do you think this will be exactly, Summer Camp?” I think were her words “you won’t have time to sit on the bog let alone write a sentence.”

So, aside from the discomfort I feel at anyone assuming everything is definitely going to be alright with this pregnancy, I also wonder whose world is actually being aided by the stroppy advice of women “who’ve been through it”. Other than to give them a chance to let off steam and occupy the moral high-ground for a while, for my part I just think – Hasn’t this process been hard enough? Doesn’t it continue to be stressful and unknown? Won’t it continue to present difficult decisions and questions without other women – lucky enough to be blessed with children in the first place – insisting that I’m going to have to wise up, like seriously, at some point in the future?

Whatever happens to me in the coming months, whatever sacrifices I have to make and, God Knows I’ve been preparing to make them for some time now, it certainly won’t be the “told you so” advice I remember. It will be the wise mutterings of the God of Nike who once said “Just Do It.”

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