Thank you for your supportive comments. I will be making an appointment with another GP next week and I’ve booked an eight week scan for two weeks time.

Meantime, I continue to exist in an unreal hinterland. I bitch and moan about the medical profession not confirming my medical status but I’m accountable too.

I haven’t rubber stamped this pregnancy either, at least not in my heart. DH and I haven’t told anyone, we haven’t had a celebratory breakfast let alone a celebratory glass and I haven’t imagined what, who or how this will turn out beyond the next two weeks. It seems foolish and idiotic to do so, particularly as I was doing all these things only two months ago and two weeks later I had to take it all back.

It all feels a bit like a baby tyrannosaurus egg; too fragile and dangerous to go anywhere near.

With every twinge, cramp and hour that passes without a symptom I psychologically set myself up for another loss. Don’t get me wrong – I see the good side of not getting pregnant for a year and a half and then getting pregnant twice in two months but it’s impossible to view that fact in isolation when I have absolutely no idea of what’s going to happen next. It could be anything and bar looking after myself, there’s not a damn thing I can do about it.

Control. Can’t live with it, can’t live without it.

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