It turns out that I can cope when the emotional crutch, muse and love of my life departs for the coast with his Dad. It turns out I’m not the simpering, blubbering wreck I thought I was and that I’m doing fine, eating what I want, seeing who I want, and sleeping when I want (which turns out not to be much because the love of my life is also my guard dog and I am nervous in the ghetto without him). In general, it’s great.

But I’m no layabout. I’m spending my time writing, sure, but I’m also practicing some things in the unique silence that four days off works affords me:

1. Not over-thinking the rumour that a woman is supernova mega fertile after a miscarriage. I haven’t heard a single person explain the biological reasons as to why so I can only think that it’s because women mostly don’t expect to get pregnant straight after a miscarriage. And we all know what happens when we stop expecting things. So I’m trying not to over-analyse what bit of the miscarriage-biological-psychological spectrum I fall into. I suspect the grey area that falls between “possibly was quite fertile at that stage” and “but the stress she put herself under thinking about it stopped a conception from occurring”. But as I say, I’m trying not to think about it.

2. Trying not to feel the over-bearing, crushing guilt of not being at work. And on the other hand trying not to be as saddo as to think I need to justify my existence with a call into the office and a quick check of the blackberry that I know will ultimately turn my blood black with bile at the interruption of this quiet period of reflection and writing.

3. Not giving myself a hard time. About anything. To do whatever I want to do. And that includes feeling incredibly bored. Sometimes.

The practice of this thinking is repetitive, grinding hard work. However, it has occurred to me that instead of complaining about this fact that maybe I should just assume that the discomfort of changing your attitudes and thought patterns is actually very positive; a sign that new neural pathways are being created in the brain to let the newness in. I’ve started viewing my new thought patterns as the rebel in an office of otherwise compliant people. Company men are company men, they tow the party line but rebels, they break new ground allow for a regime change.

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