Having felt like a lead weight these past few days, with extreme exhaustion and headaches marring most activities, like eating and talking, today felt like a ray of sunshine. Although I didn’t sleep well – I don’t at the moment, every night I dream that I’m driving down a country lane with my father in law – I woke up feeling normal enough to make breakfast and do some work before I met DH for my “all-clear scan”.

It hadn’t always been an all-clear scan. Two weeks ago, at the first signs of spotting, this scan had been booked as an 8 week “check the baby’s heartbeat” scan because at that point, they thought it might end up having one. On my walk to the hospital I relayed a pre-prepared script in my head; I didn’t want someone diving in with a scan wand, expecting to find a heartbeat and then looking all sad while delivering the news that I had miscarried. I didn’t want to be told that by an expert what I already knew. If I was going to cry on a floor it wasn’t going to be an antiseptic linoleum one.

So I diligently relayed my plight to reception / sonographer / sonographer’s assistant and by the time it got to the doctor passing our room on his way to lunch, I had disassociated myself entirely from the experience of miscarriage. The scan was a walk in the park. I didn’t smart or cry in the way I had expected when the sonographer showed me the empty space on the screen where the sac had been two weeks ago. She said my womb had “returned to normal” and that all the products of the miscarriage had been evacuated. Yes I felt disturbed at the likening of my reproductive organs to a nuclear war zone that had necessitated the escape of any sign of life, but other than that I felt… fine. Spookily fine, in fact. And not even the kind of fine you feel when you’re really secreting a not so fine set of emotions as yet to be deciphered and dangerously unleashed at some unknown point in the future.

Had I effectively disassociated myself from something painful or was today the end of my chapter on miscarriage? I feel fine. Can I move on now? I don’t know, watch this space on the screen.

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