I have been away for a while, having placed the sea and hundreds of miles between me and The Way Life Is When You Want A Baby. For several weeks I thought I had been healed of all the anxieties and the pain, mainly because the last thing I wanted to do was write this blog. I had nothing new to say on the subject. I’m sad to say this writerly drought hasn’t lasted as long as I’d hoped.

Towards the end of our holiday I was visited by AF and I descended into a deeper than usual mire of self pity and isolationism, my only consolation being that these hard-edged feelings were probably the result of raging hormones. As I threw myself onto the hotel bed, firmer and starchier than I was used to, I declared that I was going to cut myself off from my friends on the basis that they were too absorbed in their own baby lives to care about what I was going through. I couldn’t stand their pity anymore. I declared myself, through a veil of hot tears … An Island.

Three days later the hormones had set on the horizon and the sun had come up in their place. With fresh perspective, I wondered what on earth I was thinking when I declared that I was going to cope alone. Feeling bad for under-estimating my friends I decided to text Best Friend Number 1 to tell her that I was going to the hospital, specifically the department of Reproductive Medicine, for a battery of tests to find out why I’m still not pregnant. I padded out the text with niceties about how I hoped her baby was now sleeping etc.

I heard nothing. I guessed the baby still wasn’t sleeping.

So I texted Best Friend Number 2 and told her the same, padding out my words with similar well wishes about her one year old and the sun. A few minutes later I got the following text;

“Really good luck for the tests tomorrow. Let me know how it goes. Offer on a four bedroom house accepted today. Exciting times for all of us!”

I was speechless, because this was how her text really sounded to me;

“Sorry that the tests for your missing leg are ongoing, particularly with no end in sight. I have just won an Oscar, and the lottery. Exciting times for all of us!”

So then I decided that if that’s what it’s like to be on the mainland right now, I am definitely an island.

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