Sometimes the pre-menstrual spotting ceases for as long as 36 hours and in that time I allow myself to believe that it was implantation bleeding. I allow myself to believe that there is a baby growing inside of me.

In that time I can see that it is a little spec, like a sesame seed – barely there, but there… nevertheless. I see it take hold of my body and start to live with me.

I imagine telling people at work that I won’t be back for a while, that my assistant will definitely have to start learning more because she’ll be taking the reins when I go. I imagine getting tired earlier in the day and eating a second slice of chocolate cake because I need to feed my baby.

And then the spotting starts again. And it’s like waking up and finding myself trapped in a maze I can’t get out of.

Advertisements