I’ve decided I’m going to be much more positive in 2010.  There’s got to be more to life than yearning for a baby.  I can choose not to buy into what people say about children being the most satisfying, life-enhancing thing that’s ever happened to them.  It’s not like they can say anything else – who, in their right mind is going to tell their friends that all the late night cooing, pooing, burping and crying hasn’t been worth it for the presence of little Binky?  It’s not like they can pack their bundle back into its bubble wrap, bang a label on it and return it to The Sender in The Sky when it all gets a bit much.

In the event that I don’t get to experience the joys and pitfalls of parenthood I made a list of other life-enhancing and satisfying things to do with my life:

  1. Jump out of a plane. Not to end it all, silly! For the view and adrenaline and total lack of responsibility not having children entails if the parachute doesn’t open!
  2. Open a new business selling something cutting edge yet functional like dishes that clean themselves or an ovulation test so accurate it tells you exactly when, how and where to shag in order to conceive.
  3. Make millions.  Donate some millions to charity.
  4. Go to drama school and learn to act and sing in musicals where I can express my childless pain and angst through the music of Andrew Lloyd Webber e.g. Phantom of The Opera’s “Music of The Night”, “Evita” or something moving from “Joseph and his Technicolour Dreamcoat”.
  5. Get famous doing the above, have an affair with a nineteen year old sex-on-a-stick type and be reported on in Heat Magazine.  Make amends with husband, get OK Magazine to photograph the renewal of our vows for a million squids.  Buy a pool.  Consider buying a child.
  6. Make some new friends who are characterised by living out tacky and un-realistic dreams.
  7. Move to America.
  8. Enter America’s Got Talent and win it with Carly Simon’s “Let The River Flow” from Working Girl
  9. Publish a book outlining my own personal journey through childlessness, as above.

This should take me to about 45 by which time all my normal friends will have had their kids and will be talking about other stuff that I can join in on too.

My next list is things to do while waiting for baby to turn up.

  1. Run a half marathon
  2. Buy some lentils in the supermarket to aid fertility
  3. Meditate
  4. Work
  5. Learn to cook lentil bake
  6. Learn to bake cakes for friends with newborns

I know which list looks more fun.  I feel better already

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