I’ve been absent from the blogging world for a bit due to an overpowering superstition.
In the past four weeks of pregnancy I have been experiencing bleeding and prolonged periods of spotting. The bleeding turns up out of nowhere and is followed by spotting that hangs around and then suddenly disappears for days at a time. Just when I am lulling myself back into feeling safe and confident about my pregnancy, it returns, a reminder that I must not be complacent about the growing being inside me.
So I swing from calm acceptance to periods of catatonic anxiety. I considered blogging about it all on a daily basis but, as things changed so quickly I held back – to me, there’s something haunting about a written record of “things are fine now” and the possibility of reading back those words when things might have taken a very bad turn. I’d feel stupid, complacent and capricious for feeling better about something I had no control over, something that could take me off in a painful direction.
I’ve had two extra scans since my 12 week turning point. They say it all seems fine, that there no explanation for the bleeding. That doesn’t stop me from thinking they’ve missed something.
I was recently due to travel to America for two weeks and I bled the night before I left. It wasn’t heavy but it was enough to keep me up worrying all night about whether I should go. It was all I could do to allow my rational side to pull rank – to say that I should not stop my life, that I could take things easy, that I had health insurance and that even if DH wasn’t going to be with me for most of it, I would deal. As it turned out, I spotted, but I was fine. I didn’t need to cash in my medical insurance. I returned to the UK unharmed and probably stronger for having to deal with the anxious periods alone. See, I can write about that, because that journey is finished.
As for the journey we’re still on, it’s mixed up – times of happiness, gratitude and anxiety but I think increasingly this is how it was meant to be. The anxiety is almost never about the lifestyle change in front of me – I feel like I had a lifetime to think about that before I got pregnant. The anxiety, of course, is about losing the life we spent so long waiting for. DH said that as the child was born, got sick, then better, then grew up and went out drinking and got back later than we’d hoped, that we’d be living with these periods of anxiety and calm our whole life. Pregnancy is a trial run for that and it’s something we must get used to it. He is, of course, right. But he is stronger than me.
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November 21, 2010 at 3:54 pm
Paige
Don’t sell yourself short…you are VERY strong, stronger than you can imagine and remember it’s not him doing the bleeding. I would be feeling the same as you are. Take good care of your self physically and emotionally. I know your little one will be ok.
xoxo
November 21, 2010 at 4:41 pm
Esperanza
I’m so glad everything is still okay, though I’m sorry you have to deal with bleeding and spotting, that would put anyone over the edge let alone a pregnancy loss survivor. I had such bad anxiety throughout my pregnancy, but it did get better when I could start feeling the baby. I had to start taking Zo.loft before that though, because I was literally at the point of non-function. So I think anxiety is normal, especially for those of us who know what loss feels like. And even though your hubby is right, that there will always be anxiety with parenthood, there is something truly anxiety producing about the fact that this baby is inside of you and you can’t do ANYTHING to keep it safe. I mean, obviously you can make choices to protect it, but from the spontaneous losses, you can’t do a think. That is a horrible place to be in, and it feels different for the woman carrying the child than it does for the man. At least I think so. So, don’t beat yourself and say he’s stronger than you, because it’s not necessarily true. You’re just in different places right now and so the uncertainty affects you differently. I’m just glad things are alright! I was getting worried!
November 25, 2010 at 12:08 am
Adele
I think you’re pretty darned strong. The spotting/bleeding must be very, very scary but I am hoping that it is one of those strange, unexplained things that in the end means…absolutely nothing. Sending you good thoughts.
November 30, 2010 at 7:32 pm
Kristin
I always wondered about the women that were just – happily pregnant. I never understood how they don’t worry….. Almost like – it was irresponsible NOT to worry…. like it was taking something for granted not to worry. (Obviously I have a long relationship with… “worry”)…..
Something I have learned though is….. many times I thought my husband was stronger or in a different place than me… but, he wasn’t…. he was either trying to protect me or encourage me (by reminding me of things to come that we would also be worried about for example)….. or he would keep his worries to himself (to later say “how would it have helped to share that?”)…..
My guess is your husband is right there with you – but – is being strong(er) – for you.
He’s a good man. And. You are very strong.
x
K.
December 4, 2010 at 9:39 pm
the good eggs
Unexplained bleeding is like an oxymoron. I need an explanation from somebody where it comes from or I spend all day on the internet coming up with my own morbid explanations. I think, fingers crossed, I’ve gotten past the worst of it.