Have been nerve-wracking. I’ve barely been able to talk about my pregnancy let alone write about it, for fear of hexing it.
The anxiety has built steadily in the weeks leading up to the 12 week marker point, this coming Wednesday – and it was never more pronounced than in the last few days. As I cramped and started spotting what I think, now, was old blood, I was prepared myself to lose the game again. There’s a reason why you’re not safe until 12 weeks, I thought, that doesn’t mean something won’t go awry at 11 weeks and 6 days.
But, fingers crossed, the spotting has recently stopped. Looking back on when it happened, it coincided with when I might have had my period but I’m not sure whether that’s a helpful or scary thing to know at this juncture – the idea of the foetus trying to take the next available exit freaks me out.
My scan is a week tomorrow and I’ve decided to wait it out quietly. Even if the spotting started again, there’s nothing an earlier scan could do to change the outcome. So for now I am going to sit with as much hope as I can muster, sending all the strength and love I have to the little thing that’s growing in my belly.
Meantime, I feel I should be getting in touch with a few of my close friends to tell them the news before the 12 week scan happens. I went on a journey with one in particular who is still trying to conceive herself. But I can’t summon the energy to make the call. I don’t want her to feel as if I held it back on purpose, but I feel too wrapped up in my own anxiety and superstition to pick up the phone. It also occurred to me that I’m being a coward. I know what it felt like to be told that another good friend had fallen pregnant. Sure, I was happy for them but it tore a little piece of my heart. And I wouldn’t wish that feeling on anyone.
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October 3, 2010 at 4:12 pm
Fran
I also had spotting a bit earlier on in my pregnancy (around 8 weeks) and I was told spotting can be very normal and up to 12 weeks it’s associated with placenta implantation! It made perfect sense! But I understand totally your anxiety and my advice would be to wait until you have the scan before sharing. Not because I think it may have some sort of jinxing effect, but because when I started sharing the news (at almost 13 weeks) my anxiety worsened significantly so much so that I bought a baby heart monitor!! (Which I strongly recommend by the way…) Sending you hugs and positive thoughts, Fran
October 3, 2010 at 4:48 pm
Esperanza
It’s true, spotting is very common in the first trimester. Not that it makes you feel any less anxious, but hopefully you can take some solace in knowing that. I know how hard those first weeks after after a loss. The first part of my second pregnancy was so terrifying that I finally went on an anti-anxiety medication. Once I could feel the baby moving things got better and eventually they got much better, but it was a long road. I sooooooooo hope your 12 weeks scan goes well. I’ll be thinking of you.
October 3, 2010 at 5:52 pm
Womb For Improvement
I’ve been wondering how you are getting on. I can only imagine how terrified you must be at the spotting but so far so good, best of luck tomorrow.
As for your friend I would recommend emailing her – that is how I like to hear about pregnancies as it gives me a moment to digest the news and compose a suitable response rather than being put n the spot. I’m sure she’ll be happy for you, but she’ll need a moment to grieve for herself.
October 3, 2010 at 10:06 pm
Paige
I don’t blame you for being very scared. Let yourself have time to tell people. Your friend will understand if you were not emotionally ready at this point. I’m thinking good thoughts for you and your little one. Update if you can after your scan.